I Left My Brain in Massachusetts

What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs? Rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack? And fits on your back? Its BLOG! BLOG! BLOG!

Good evening. [You have to understand that when I say this, in my head it sounds like Bill Cosby's impression of the scary radio man hosting the 'Lights Out' program he was not allowed to watch as a child because... you cant watch radio. But if i were not an idiot and had typed that correctly, it would have read: the 'Lights Out' program he was not allowed to listen to as a child because it scared him so much he smeared jello all over the floor to slip up the monsters when they came after him.'] In your head, it probably sounds more like you reading aloud...or a lonely cricket, depending on who's reading this.

On that graceful note, tonight's entry is particularly self-centered, chronicling shit i did today in cali. However, since it is in fact a list of reasons i am a fucktard, i hope you wont find it too self-indulgent. Enjoy.

Smooth things I did today:

-pulled a string of condoms out of my purse along with my wallet while paying my admission at the lovely de Young museum. Apparently they don't accept those as currency out here. I should probably return those to their home in the reknowned Mug of Protection (with +2 anti-baby-making enchantment) to prevent further accidents pun not even remotely intended, but you never know when youre gonna meet a hottie and get it on amongst the Art of the Oceanias. Nothing turns me on like authentic human skulls. Prrrrr.

-had "Green tea fo' won?' at the Japanese Tea Gardens. This wasn't so much spastic as it was kind of sad. APPARENTLY, Japanese Tea Gardens are only for people with dates or friends. The rest of us just look like assholes climbing up and down the same side of the ladder bridge because everytime we get to the top, we have to climb back down to get out of someone else's fucking picture. And by we, I mean of course...me.
I managed to look so picturesquely lonely that another tourist actually took a picture of me, sitting alone at the counter, preciously cradling my green tea fo' won? for warmth beneath a darkened sky. I tried to conjure up a single tear for her, but it just felt forced.

-cut my wrist on my sketchbook. Entirely by accident of course, but probably not a great omen. My art is now attacking me. The end of the metal binding turns out to be perilously sharp, tucked just out of view like a tiny vicious metal puma (slash ninja slash pirate). Or perhaps a snake. Yes, definitely a snake, specifically an asp. Strathmore really needs to work on that design. Once artists figure out its that easy, we'll be losing them left and right. One bad sketch and its slash, hisssss, BOOM you're dead.

-took my birth control three hours late for the third day in a row because, unlike my cell phone, my brain does not automatically register changes in time zone. Apparently in my world, 11pm happens whenever the fucking clock says it does. Honestly, if it makes me less retarded, go ahead, put a chip in my brain. Link me up to that satellite and get me tivo while youre at it. I'll have soooo many friends once I have free wireless coming out my ears.



Take THAT, Japanese Tea Gardens.