The Family That Drinks Together...Drives...Together?

I'm totally blogging in my pants right now.


Good evening and horrible soft rock-techno-pop in the lobby of my bro's schwanky apt building where i go to use the free wi-fi.

this is the EXACT same kind of music they play at victoria's secret. you know it: the kind with ONE hip-and-tragic-sounding phrase that they whisper fourteen thousand times over either a vaguely familiar or blatantly sampled beat. i seriously shudder every time i hear WHAT would she do for love? whatwouldshedoforlove? WHAT would she do for love?...I don't know what she would do for love, but I know what I would do to make her shut the fuck up, and it involves a roll of gaff tape and a pufferfish. of course, those are also my plans for friday night, if the hot chocolate guy doesnt show up. but i better get to the point here because if i have to listen to another hour of i lost myself i lost myself i lost myself i lost myself... im gonna, um...lose...my.... yeah.

Anyway, I know you have often wondered if you could possibly share a gene or two with someone as awesome as me, wondered if you could possibly contain a fraction of my intelligence, grace, and um, charming demeanor. That, or we made out and you want to make sure I'm not your cousin. Either way, after extensive genealogical research (aka a week on vacation with the fam) I have compiled a helpful guide that may assist you in tracing your Griffin roots. Enjoy.

Firstly: We Griffins are a widespread (read: promiscuous) and primarily Irish (read: drunk) bunch. As a result of these dominant genetic factors, Griffins can be found all over the world in a variety of bars, pubs, and breweries. Look in a mirror. Are you drinking? If yes, congratulations! There is an excellent chance that you are part Griffin.

Continuing on, here are a number of other sub-factors that may help you identify your Griffin heritage, all gleaned from my glorious family vacation:

-If you have a few pre-dinner beers in the hotel with your parents, followed by drinks at dinner with your family, then celebrate a night out with more beers, you may be a griffin.

-If you have ever been pressured into getting another drink by one of your parents, you may be a griffin.

-If you would never dream of having dessert with just coffee, if you MUST add a least a splash of baileys, or better yet some jamesons, or fuck it bring me a whiskey on the rocks, you may be a griffin.

-If your brother's girlfriend calls home after a week of hanging out with your family and says, "But they DRINK so much..." because you have managed to physically exhaust her with the amount of alcohol your family consumes, you may be a griffin.

-If you get wasted in a winery tasting room (the third of the day) and start singing Wierd Al songs from a decade ago, you may be a griffin.

-If you then sit outside said winery and compare feet, concluding that the length of your toes is a genetic indicator of your predispositions for certain kinds of alcohol, you just might be a griffin.

-If you devote an entire day to family drinking (aka drive through wine country) and FAIL to designate a driver because no, we thought you were driving, you may be a griffin.

-If you're father's bar manner inspires someone to ask "When did your dad become a frat boy?" and you respond, "About 30 years ago," you might be a griffin.
(incidentally if you have ever asked your dad about his UMass days and he mumbles something about throwing a mattress out a 30th floor dorm window, you're a griffin.)

-If a member of your family ever asks you to hold his or her beer while he or she makes an illegal left turn on a major roadway, you may be a griffin.

-If you come out of your stall in the ladies room and notice your father peeing in the stall next to you, to which his only response is 'you know, i thought it was funny they had no urinals.' you are unfortunately a griffin.

-If your brother's girlfriend goes out for beers with your family, orders a diet coke, and announces it a personal victory -a coup of sorts- to go out with your family and not order an alcoholic drink, you may be a griffin.

-If switching hotels involves leaving your mom on the sidewalk with a mountain of luggage...and a twelver of microbrew, you may be a griffin.

-Finally, if you feel overwhelming loyalty to defend 'Undercover Brother' as a cinematic masterpiece, you're totally a griffin.

I hope you found this guide helpful in identifying your Griffin heritage. If you did, in fact, find any traits in common, welcome to the clan! I'll drink to that. and to your health. and to my health. and to...thursday! aaand that guy! and of course: to family.


(if you did not find any traits in common, dont feel too bad...you still have your liver.)



now, if you'll excuse me, i'm getting the fuck out of this lobby.
I'm invisible, i'm invisible, i'm invisible, i'm invisible, i'm invisible...